Dearly beloved, part 10: For you, a thousand times over.

“Dearly beloved” is a series of love letters sent and received over a period of one hundred years.

May 10, 2020. To The One Never Meant To Be. From another In a Long Series of “Regrettable Could Have Been.”

For several weeks, I have been trying to create poetry for you but, failing miserably since day one. Rightly so, writing has been my only solace in these trying times. And, also the reason why I am sending this.

Skip to the last line if you are in a hurry.

I always reckoned me to be a ‘Sakht Launda’ (hard inside). Filled with the few people I truly admire, never expressed myself to this extent. Then there is you, almost could share anything. A lot in my mind trafficked.
So, here I go venting.

I make peace with myself erasing the few memories, or taking it for sure that we are not meant to be together. It is like that for 1- 2- 3 days then, boom! I can’t anymore. Go on a guilt trip picturing 4-5 years down the lane I have to adjust with knowing you moved on with the love of your life, picturing all my shortcomings. Then, out of nowhere,
my heart fills with an ocean of love that I am all in for this girl.

This unbearable attachment, this agony! No idea what happens, I just hope our fate crosses again someday even if for a brief period of time. I hope, just a tiny bit of hope, I got to tell you how it felt loving you.
Recently, I kept equipped with nonsense just to distract myself
from all these. But it all fell flat and is just not right.
Courtesy: Bojack Horseman/Netflix

With every passing day, my insecurities mount! Picturing, what if, (oh god) what if you get married the next day. Often times, I presume I am not good enough and this thought eats up my mind. Worse yet, I am annoying you with my friendship. But know this, you gained a friend in me for life even if it means we don’t converse regularly, rest assured.
Dang, you Gucci!

Not gonna lie, sometimes I hate you too. For your indifferences,
for the way you are.

I could tolerate you twice as much as anyone I came across. Hence, sinking all in it without giving a second guess to repercussions. And someday it may feel like a bit of love to you, I pray. Que sera sera!
Hate me all you want. I could care less. Don’t find a clue what kept me captivated this much in you. Perhaps it’s your girly things, perhaps it’s your maturity, perhaps it’s your practices of self-denial.
Perhaps time will provide the exact perspective.
Dammit, I could risk it all for this beautiful soul.

Wanted to let you know that you are loved, that I will live the rest of my life knowing I had the guts to confess what you meant to me.

For you, a thousand times over.

Still from BoJack Horseman [S03E08]

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