Our guest writer today, Debjani Modak. Dhaka, Bangladesh. August 2020.
I never made New Year’s resolutions before.
A ‘New Year’ had never been something of that significance to me. I saw my Facebook homepage getting flooded with good wishes, photos of celebrations and long lists of promises my friends made to themselves for the upcoming year. I tried to take part in their joy and excitement, but an inward voice kept reminding me, it would be the same old Sun and the moon, the same old clock hands and their mundane rotations, the same old Sundays and effing same old life. Fireworks aren’t going to change anything except that they’re adding a little more in the global air pollution. Oh yes, I didn’t like fireworks too. But I always used to put a smile on my face looking at them as I did not want to hurt people I love who enjoyed setting off those things.
I was that kind of person, to whom, just the way any day could be a new day with an opportunity, a new year was a mere fraction of the same old passage of time, doesn’t even create a dot in the entire cosmic calendar, does it? So, on the New Year eves, I was neither in gloom, nor in ecstasy.
But the first day of 2020 was different.
I made my New Year’s resolutions for the first time in my life!
Because, human life is utterly insignificant, yet, is a surprise. Because sometimes, one singular moment can put us in such an illusion that a tiny span of time may feel like the infinite truth- the eternity. Bewildered with the vastness of that illusion, on the first day of 2020, I betrayed my existential nihilism.
I made my new year’s resolution this year, so did Juliya- the girl who swallowed lab spirit just two weeks ago, in the midst of a global pandemic, when front line fighters are putting all their sanity in risk to keep people alive. Maybe so did Mouri, the girl who hung herself from ceiling just few days before Juliya’s departure. Maybe so did the Rajput star, who was also passionate about astrophysics, and suddenly decided to be reunited with the universe. And perhaps so did a grandpa-to-be, unconsciously, who was looking forward to playing with his grandchild giggling on his lap, but now got his entire lungs infected by the virus.
All of these star dusts had their different stories, so had the betrayers like us. And 2020 seems to have some plans for us- the sinners, too. So, with all its curse on humanity, it also brought justice to this earth. And the sweeter was the betrayal, the greater was the doom.
Now that I still breathe, does it matter?
Shokti, Women’s Network