Making Peace With Death

I’ll start with a quote from BBC’s Sherlock… hold on. I must rant about Sherlock first. Sherlock is a bad show. If you dont wanna read it, scroll below- I ‘ll leave a mark where the rant ends.

It could have been a great show. Between season one and the buildup to the east wind it had the capacity to be one. But, sadly… You can’t even defend the show’s shortcomings with logic such as “It is not a crime show, but a character show” when the characters are the worst part. The fanservice of a character, Sherlock! They slaughtered Doyle’s masterpiece of a detective duo. There used to be a method to Holme’s madness. British television has always tried to portray sherlock as a superhuman. I remember seeing the last attempt at a Sherlock Holmes tv show. (Let’s just say thank you hip-hop for giving us the gift of modern english, because if it was up to the british media we would all be speaking in a nosy whiney pippity poppity bullshit accent. Wait, what was the quote again?)

When there are proper character development and not fanservice, the show can be brilliant. But that’s not what the cumberbitches (the showrunners included) want is it? They want a sociopath boyfriend who is awkward in his wedding speech and is cute in his bromance. Let’s remember that, that is not Sherlock holmes, not even by the first episodes’ standards. Such inconsistent character writing. Yet when at it’s best the show did manage to create a superhuman. John Watson, surrounded by tremendous horrors. Freeman is exquisite as his role of a normal everyday human being, constantly giving us the best “reaction face” to all the machinations of brilliant minds around him. John is grounded and he is the reason the show doesn’t completely turn into a bad anime. John demands that there are human emotions and performances present in every episode. And when allowed to be human both John and Sherlock give us some good conversations. As for the crime element in a crime thriller show, when all the “sapiosexual” bullshit is thrown out, it’s the little sprinkles of crime that actually saves the show. The crimes and the criminals.

I digress, as I was saying- the conversations when human… Lines such as Culverton’s monologue, “If you are rich and famous or loved, it’s amazing what people are prepared to ignore”. Or when Sherlock practically broke down the power dynamics behind all evil when he said, “Serial killing is an expression of power, ego, a signature in human destruction.” And my absolute favorite, “I’m at the bottom of a pit and I’m still falling and I’m never climbing out”. Very relatable.

Speaking of quotes, we must now return to the one quote that caused this rambling to begin. A beaten down john watson, teary eyed. Speaks to a loved one that is no longer with him. A beaten down john watson, john who went through death and evil for so long. John a simple doctor with military PTSD. John who we thought was the epitome of the good guy, the audience’s “in” into this crazy reality. John with his normal life and who provides facial reactions on behalf of all of us. John the representation of the audience, john the human. John the good man. A beaten down john watson, teary eyed. Speaks to a loved one that is no longer with him. “She taught me to be the man she already thought I was, Get yourself a piece of that.” John replies to Sherlock’s claim that romantic entanglement is a human error. “I’m not the man you thought I was” John then speaks to his loved one, “But that’s the point, that’s the whole point. Who you thought I was, That’s the man I want to be.” And then he breaks down and cries, John the human.

A brief interval, then the bad script writing takes over again, and the show starts pretending to be dragon ball z again. Not because it’s a bad anime no, I love dragon ball z. Because it’s about super-somethings.

In all honesty I shouldn’t have watched the show under apocalyptic conditions when I haven’t had a scope to use my head for a long time. I overanalyzed it. And in return received, Cringe. I suggest we all watch batman the animated show to recover from this tragedy. It’s the show Sherlock dreams it was. Charming protagonist with a marvelous voice, a crime show, very much character driven, marvelous support cast, character arcs, plots and has the best rogues gallery.

Fine, it’s from the movie. But it’s still gorgeous.

END OF RANT……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Fuck it. That’s enough ranting. The entry is titled “everything wrong with dumbass tv show”, it’s titled “making peace with death”. (I probably have since I’m criticising TV shows on the internet). That being said, let’s move on to the topic of making peace with the east wind.
I had a long “adventurous” life. A private life, but a scandalous life nonetheless. So I figured I’ve lived well, achieved things I set out to achieve and since I have a less than respectful view on faith dealers therefore death and eternal damnation didn’t worry me. Thus, I used to think, I am ready to die.

But then 2020 happens. We reach three points. Three points that made me realise I’m not ready to die. First. The world removes it’s hijab and shows me how absolutely stupid it is. I knew it was fucked up but I always thought, people aren’t fundamentally like this. They just need to unlearn. lol, nope.
I mean really? This neck deep in patriarchy and classism? This in denial about religion, nationalism and capitalism? I know nothing and it infuriates me. Everything I know, it’s not even surface level stuff. Not scratching the surface, barely touching it with a soft feather. I know nothing and yet with the little amount I do know, so many things seem so obvious. How can people spend their entire lives never asking what’s what and what’s fair? How can people be sofa king stupid?

You’re in denial of your own tiny existence and your lack of understanding about “life”. You are all, ants- living in a snowglobe sitting on God’s desk while He ignores you and watches cartoon. Ants, and you are trying to push your own snowglobe off the table. What is wrong with all of you?

How can people look at the cherry they picked and say, yep that’s it I’m done! I will not ask questions, I will not seek. I’ll take my ignorance created bliss please. Oh I think science is the truth but so is my choice of godmen! That means you’re suffering from cognitive dissonance. Holding two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, and that causes psychological stress and anger. Cognitive Dissonance theory suggests that we human beings do everything in our power to connect our opposing beliefs so we have one consistent moral compass. That’s why you continuously try to connect religion and science. You say “Holy book X already made that scientific discovery 1400 years ago.” Or maybe it’s just simply, we don’t know. Most people are just not knowledgeable enough to appreciate the juxtaposition of religion and science. Cognitive dissonance per se needs a certain level of education. Our education system doesn’t guarantee it. Or maybe it’s not plain ignorance. I think it’s the fragility of it all. Life and the constant close proximity to death. That any moment can be our last. Something that makes us wish some higher power is out there, a higher power that represents some semblance of control and order, a higher power that is ‘good’. In order to avoid madness caused by our own smallness and lack of control, we reach out and try to grab hold of an imaginary skyfather. Like drowning children in an ocean, trying to swim towards a horizon. Or stranded traveler in a desert, staring into a mirage.

Credit: WordPress media library

Thats how all holy things are right? A mirage and nothing else? I don’t know. I know nothing.

The first reaction to when I say crap like that, is “are you an atheist”. I don’t think so. I myself am just another child floating in an ocean, seeking to reach out and grab the fingers of a Skyfathers. Bless me father, forgive me father. For I have sinned.

Besides I lack education on atheism as well. And I’m surrounded by Neoliberal/Right wing atheists. Absolute gutter trash.

Atheism serves as a cool identity you do because you woke. Because your inner colonial worshipping has surfaced. And most of all, you have the audacity to ignore the problems in Bangladesh and why they happen. You think only stupid and poor are religious. When it’s actually the lack of education. Education that has been taken away from them. Education that we couldn’t provide because the country had been under two different foreign rule. Education that you received and gave you the understanding to know what “atheism” means. Education that the poor in this country has no access to because upper class bangladeshis are hoarding it. Your atheism isn’t about god, or other people. It’s about your hate. Islamophobia, anti semitism, hate, any hate.

And worst of all, your Neoliberal activism is not intersectional. It’s performative and it only exists to serve your superiority complex and ego.

True activism is intersectional and you know that to truly eliminate religious brainwashing you need to eliminate poverty. True activism is class and gender conscious.

Besides, ya’ll don’t study either. To quote another piece of shit- “you don’t believe in god because you can’t see him? did you look everywhere? did you look inside downstairs bathroom.

At the end of the day, when your atheism becomes less about philosophy and more about being part of another cult, a cult whose sole activity is to attack other cults, you my friend just let go of your old organised religion and took a new one.


I know nothing and that infuriates me. To think I’ll never understand the math behind a quantum entanglement or understand how to get a genome sequence, how to analyse data, how to write codes for a video game, how to render and how to build a robot, or to make a face recognition AI. To think I don’t have every verse of every holy book memorised-analysed, every philosophical discourse read, every literary masterpiece read, every second in history known, every fossil studied, every hieroglyph researched, every music heard, every investigation into financial scams stories written, every drop of human existence explained. It’s infuriating.

It’s infuriating that I will never know what Muhammad saw in syria, how innocent adam, eve, and lilith were, how much Newton truly admired and despised descartes, whether bohr and einstein were bitching about each other, what mujib felt in his final hours or subhas chandra. whether machiavelli smirked when he finished writing the Prince, what Dante felt when he wrote Inferno, or Plato when he wrote Ethica, or Marx or Kropotkin or Saint Paul or Ferdowsi or humayun azad. I will never discover gravitons or feel the higgs field. Will never discover what happens when the universe go dark.

If I ever meet an Allfather, that’s what I’ll ask for. Knowledge, from the tree of knowledge. Because knowledge is what turns innocent living beings into human beings with consciousness. We have knowledge, animals don’t. Thus, no consciousness- only primal urges. If I had immortality, that’s what I’d do. I’d dedicate myself to know it all. I must, know, everything. But since I don’t. I only have death. That was the second point 2020 brought up. I realised If I die, I won’t know.

তোমাকে বুঝি না, প্রিয়
বোঝো না তুমি আমায়
দুরত্ব বাড়ে, যোগাযোগ নিভে যায়…

Point number three, death is such a permanent affair. I only have one death. The one promise that will be kept, only once. It’s not “you only live once” no. It’s quite the opposite. You only die once. So we spend our entire life, looking for the right death. And the right choice of afterdeath. A hero’s death or a quiet death. Death by old age, or by heroin overdose. Reincarnation or Paradise or Einherjer. Terrible dilemma really.

Economics has a term, “Opportunity Cost”. That’s what death is. An existential crisis about opportunity costs. What if I have regrets before I die? What if I don’t live a full life? what if I don’t find love and die alone? What if I get punished in the afterlife? What if no one remembers me? These are the reasons we try to escape death. We aren’t afraid of death, we are afraid of the “what if”s.

I was hoping this would be a serene write up. Melancholy and soft. I have a delusion of grandeur, a Messiah complex. Sadly, I don’t have a ‘what if’. I know what I want. What death. Clue, a delusion of grandeur. Superman complex.

“And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must always be expressed as a formula, as positive as twice two makes four, and such positiveness is not life, gentlemen, but is the beginning of death. Anyway, man has always been afraid of this mathematical certainty, and I am afraid of it now. Granted that man does nothing but seek that mathematical certainty, he traverses oceans, sacrifices his life in the quest, but to succeed, really to find it, dreads, I assure you.”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from the Underground

Image Rights: Calvin and Hobbes/Bill Watterson

Oh Calvin.

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