Dearly beloved, part 1: Kingslayer

“Dearly beloved” is a series of love letters sent and received over a period of one hundred years.

16/08/1917

Dearly Beloved,
Read this later only after all the fanfare of your birthday ends. Read this letter after all the lights go dark and the music stops. After all the food is gone and you have said goodnight to your loved ones. Read this letter and rip it apart, never to even speak of this.


Dearly Beloved,
This isn’t a love letter, nor is it a letter of apology or reasoning. It’s a letter of farewell. A poorly spoken farewell, but a farewell nonetheless. A letter of farewell that does not demand, request or expect a reply since it was this letter which instructs you to never speak of this. Unfortunately for the remainder of this letter, I shall refer to you as dearly beloved.
Bear with me.


Dearly Beloved,
This is one of three goodbyes I never thought I would ever have to say in the last 30 days. Would you like to know which goodbyes were these? The first was from him. We’ll get back to this later. The second, her. All his life he never had someone wait for him. That is until she arrived. She waited for him every day. The only living being on earth. Every night she waited. She still waits. She waits outside the gates, for him to walk down the lane. He never comes, so she never comes home either. Now every night as I walk home, I find her sitting infront of the gate. She waits. I rub her neck, scratch her back, “meu meu meu” she has numerous complaints, “I know” i tell her “I’m sorry”.
I walk inside the gates. She doesn’t follow. She still waits. She doesn’t come home.


Dearly Beloved,
The last goodbye is you. Through all of your thins and my thicks, I never thought this day would come. We will find each other, in a room full of crowds we will always find each other, we always do. That’s what I always tell myself. I keep your last texts with me. “You are the only person who is strong enough”, “You have a world to save”, “We will get through this”.
They make me want to believe that in an alternate reality, I did not kill my Desdemona.


Dearly Beloved,
This isn’t a love letter, nor is it a letter of apology or reasoning. I must remind you again that it’s just a letter of farewell. A poorly spoken farewell, but a farewell nonetheless. A letter of farewell that does not demand, request or expect a reply since it was this letter which instructs you to never speak of this.
Please continue to bear with me.


Dearly Beloved,
Since 9:30 of July 13th, 2017, I have not shed a single drop. I was asked to grieve, to sob. I denied. I was told, not grieving is either a sign of impending massive breakdown or signs that I am a psychopath. I reject both these accusations. I can not grieve right now, may be I will, 5 years from now when all the holes in the ship have been plugged. Right now I can not let the world see me weak. Unfortunately, this is where the thought of always finding each other fooled me. I assumed you would be the safe space where I can be weak. I assumed someday we would be sitting in front of each other, holding hands and I would sob. You would pat my head and say  “We will get through this”.


Dearly Beloved,
But alas, I wasn’t his sun. In my daily routine of complaining and escaping my duties, I did just enough to do the unthinkable. Kill the man who fought long and hard for sixty years. I killed his mother, and now I killed him. My sad, lonely, frustrated, crying child, my brave little soldier boy, my son… I killed him. My little flower, he lived in darkness all his life. All he needed was light. But I wasn’t his sun. and I killed him. I knew I was killing him. I knew I was killing him bit by bit every day. I knew. They wanted to take a picture of him and make a giant banner out of it. They asked me to choose which picture they should use. I came up with an excuse and i ran away. In my shame, I ran. I could not look him in the eye, even when he is a picture in a frame because I killed him. His wife is a widow today because of me. His son lost a father because of me. He lost his mother because of me.
I killed them.


Dearly Beloved,
I broke my promise. He wasn’t ready to die. I killed him. This is why I say goodbye to you. Because I murder the people who love me unconditionally. I murdered the ones who cry for me. She cried for me. He cried for me. You cried for me. Say farewell love. Farewell to the man who lies to the world so well that he himself began believing his own lies. Bid farewell to the fool who thought to play with guns and drugs make you a soldier in the dark. It doesn’t. Living in the Lazarus Pitt, 6 am to 12 am every day for sixty years does.
Farewell to me, the man who breaks promises. 


Dearly Beloved,
Read this later only after all the fanfare of your birthday ends. Read this letter after all the lights go dark and the music stops. After all the food is gone and you have said goodnight to your loved ones. Read this letter and rip it apart, never to even speak of this.


My love,
Dearly beloved do say goodbye to the man you loved. Never forgive him for all that he has done. Never forget what the human embodiment of lie and murder looked like. Know that he always wishes you near, to grieve to you, to tell you he loved you and always did love you unquestionably. 


Dearly Beloved,
This isn’t a love letter, nor is it a letter of apology or reasoning. It’s a letter of farewell. A poorly spoken farewell, but a farewell nonetheless. A letter of farewell that does not demand, request or expect a reply since it was this letter which instructs you to never speak of this. Live to your heart’s content. May you never wonder in vain, may you drop all the restraints that veil you and grow very well, may you have poetries and songs sung to you.
May you run off to distant lands down under and never come back to this darkness. 


Dearly Beloved,
Farewell. 


Yours till his last breath,

King slayer.

Ego Rodriguez Illustration

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